Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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