Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
