if i can run in heels then i can drive
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
