In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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