So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am available for nakedness
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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