Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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