Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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