she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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