My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Randomize
