she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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