My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
