Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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