life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
