he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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