come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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