I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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