Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
