tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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