FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My feet surprised me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
