I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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