i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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