Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
