Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
