wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize