so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
