I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
