I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
