She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
