I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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