Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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