Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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