Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
