I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A+ Viking dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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