Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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