I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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