Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize