That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
