At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
