Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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