Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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