remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we're making bets on your personal life
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
