I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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