I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
