there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
