About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
