hell yes lets make some ravioli
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
