Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
