Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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