you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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