i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
