I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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