So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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