i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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