dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
