My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
