Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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