Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
