I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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