I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
