As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
